Narcissism in Relationships and Beyond: A Therapist's Reflection

Narcissism in relationships and at work shows up as a person who centres everything on themselves, talks over others, rarely apologizes, and shifts blame onto everyone else. The people closest to them often end up walking on eggshells, anxious to please and quick to apologize.

Recognizing the pattern, protecting your boundaries, and seeking support are the first steps. Where the relationship is abusive, the healthiest response is often to leave.

*A note before you read: this is a personal clinical reflection drawn from my work with clients. It is not exhaustive and is not intended to diagnose anyone.*

Why This Matters

Narcissism has become a word people throw at almost anyone they find difficult, and that loose use makes the real pattern harder to see clearly. In my practice, genuine narcissistic dynamics show up often, and they cause real harm to the people on the receiving end.

Naming the pattern accurately matters because the people most affected, partners, colleagues, and family members, frequently blame themselves for problems they did not create. Understanding what is actually happening is the beginning of protecting yourself.

What I See in Couples

When some couples come to see me, one partner often insists on talking over the other and minimizing their feelings. "You have talked long enough, it is my turn," they say, rolling their eyes when I redirect the conversation.

They are frequently intelligent and quick to use psychological language, telling their partner they need to work on their inner child or that they have issues with this or that. Sometimes they say outright, "I am sorry you are angry or depressed, but I cannot deal with your emotions."

The underlying pattern is that they experience the world only through how it affects them. If they are unhappy, it must be their partner or their job that caused it, and the other person is expected to apologize for ruining their day. Apologizing themselves is nearly impossible. They see the world as something that should meet their needs, so they see little reason to take responsibility.

The Absence of Sacrifice, Patience, and Humility

People with these tendencies describe their relationships in terms of their own space and their own needs, and they expect their partner to "work on themselves" to make that possible. There is little compassion.

Their world is organized around their feelings, their needs, and their time, and they often limit even the time they spend with those they claim to care about. They are impatient and want their partner's problems resolved quickly so they can return to their own pursuits.

The idea of sacrifice for the other is absent, and so are tolerance, patience, and humility.

The dynamic is one-sided. The message is, "I make the rules, I decide when and how we engage, and it is all about me." Opposition is intolerable. They rarely admit any role in the problem, because they have been led to believe their feelings are always correct.

When Therapy Reinforces the Problem

I see this often in people who have absorbed a shallow version of self-help, what I would call pop psychology. Sometimes they have seen a therapist who, believing they are helping, do little more than validate behaviour that is clearly harmful.

Armed with phrases like "inner child," "self-validation," or vaguer notions still, these individuals become poorly equipped for meaningful relationships precisely because they are never wrong. They reject categories like right and wrong in favour of how they feel in the moment. If they feel good, the situation is fine.

If they feel bad, then someone else is to blame for "making them feel that way."

The People on the Receiving End

On the other side of this dynamic, I often see partners who were never truly listened to as children. They were told to obey, not to question, and their opinions went unheard. In an abusive relationship, they sometimes feel they must ask permission to express an opinion, only to be cut off and dismissed again.

In effect, they relive a childhood pattern in which expressing themselves or challenging authority was not allowed. It is painful to watch as a therapist, because the harm is so familiar to the person enduring it that they barely notice it.

The Same Pattern at Work

This behaviour is not confined to relationships. I see it in workplaces too. When confronted with poor work, the workplace narcissist may dissolve into tears, accuse the other person of being unkind, or announce that they have mental health problems. Alternatively, they will tell you that you need to fix your tone or your attitude. Because they cannot apologize, the blame is always redirected.

Sympathy does not work with people who have learned to weaponize feigned offence to control others. When genuinely confronted about their conduct, they reframe the feedback as a personal attack, casting the other person as insensitive, biased, or out of touch. I think of it as throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks. They throw out accusations and watch to see whether any of them land.

How to Protect Yourself

Whether the relationship is at home or at work, knowing how to protect yourself matters. The first thing to understand is that a true narcissist does not care about you in the way you hope. They are capable of caring deeply only for themselves, and they expect the world, including you, to adapt to their schedule.

They speak easily about themselves but do not listen to you, and they tend to belittle your achievements with a quick "that's nice" before returning to their own concerns.

Pay attention if you notice yourself caught in the following patterns:

• You are constantly anxious to please the other person and eager to placate them.
• You give up things you love in order to accommodate them.
• You apologize for your own faults but never hear them take responsibility or apologize for anything.

People in these relationships often describe it as walking on eggshells. They are anxious to please, knowing the smallest error can unleash anger or, worse, disappointment. When the bad times consistently outweigh the good, yet you still feel it is your fault, that imbalance is itself the warning sign.

As painful as it is to accept, where the relationship is genuinely abusive and the other person will not change, the healthiest path is often to leave.

How This Fits Counselling in Ottawa

For Ottawa clients, the practical question is rarely whether the concern is real enough. The real question is whether the concern is already taking energy, attention, peace, or connection from daily life.

People often wait because they are still working, parenting, caregiving, studying, attending parish or community commitments, and meeting visible responsibilities. That outside functioning can hide the level of internal strain. Counselling gives the concern a private and structured place before it becomes the centre of life.

In a bilingual city and region, language also matters. Being able to speak in English or French can make therapy more accurate because emotional details are easier to name in the language that carries the experience best. A client does not need polished language, a finished story, or certainty about the exact service page that fits.

The first conversation can simply begin with what has changed, what has become harder, and what support is being sought. Counselling with Karine is built around that kind of careful first step: respectful inquiry, realistic pacing, attention to safety, and practical support.

If the issue connects with anxiety, trauma, depression, grief, addiction, relationships, children, or Catholic faith, that connection can be explored without forcing the concern into a narrow category. This is the advantage of working with a therapist rather than trying to solve everything through private willpower.

Therapy can name patterns, identify risks, protect dignity, and help clients decide what comes next. Calling (613) 859-8740 or using the contact page is enough to begin the inquiry. If immediate safety is at risk, 9-8-8 remains the right crisis support in Canada.

For non-emergency concerns, the next responsible step is not to keep privately testing whether you can endure more. The next step is to ask whether structured support would reduce the cost this concern is already creating.

That is the threshold for counselling: not collapse, not perfection, not certainty, but a clear need for help carrying what has become too heavy to manage alone.

Practical Takeaways

If any of this feels familiar, start by noticing the balance of the relationship rather than debating whether the other person "really is" a narcissist. Ask whether you are always the one adjusting, apologizing, and shrinking yourself. Notice whether your accomplishments are dismissed and your feelings treated as inconvenient.

These observations matter more than a label. Protecting yourself begins with naming the pattern honestly, restoring your own boundaries, and getting support from someone outside the dynamic who can help you see it clearly.

When to Seek Support

Seek support when a relationship at home or work leaves you anxious, diminished, and consistently blamed for problems you did not cause. You do not need to prove the other person meets a clinical definition before you take your own wellbeing seriously. If you are experiencing abuse or feel unsafe, reach out for help.

If you are in immediate danger or crisis, call emergency services, and in Canada you can call or text 9-8-8 for suicide crisis support.

Ready to Take the First Step?

Counselling with Karine offers relationship counselling in Ottawa with bilingual English and French support. If you recognize these patterns in your relationship or workplace, you do not have to sort it out alone. Call (613) 859-8740 or use the contact page to begin a confidential conversation.