Disclaimer: This is by no means exhaustive or to be used in forming a diagnosis, rather it is my own personal reflection based on my client interactions,
Narcissism, the dreaded term that is used to accuse any and everyone is sadly common in relationships at least the ones I come across and here is what I have found,
When some couples come to see me there is typically or rather sometimes, one who insists on talking over the other person and minimizing their feelings.
"You have talked long enough it is my turn" They will roll their eyes when I take control,
They are often intelligent and throw around psychological terms. "You need your inner child" or "I think you have issues with x or y" Or they will outright tell their partner 'I am sorry you are angry, or depressed but I cant deal with your emotions'
Narcissistic tendencies mean that individuals see the world through how it affects them. If they are sad, then surely it is their partner, or their job that has made them sad and their partner or their bosses need to be sorry and apologetic for ruining their day. It takes a lot and I would say it is almost impossible for individuals like this to apologize. They see the world as needing to meet their needs and as such see no reason to apologize.
They will explain their relationships as ones in which they need their space, or their needs and above all they ensure that their partner 'works on themselves' to achieve this. There is little or no compassion and they will shake their heads.
In short they are demanding and abusive but sadly have little or no insight. Like many people who have had some counselling, they learn to believe that they are fine, they do not need to change but they have built up barriers or boundaries aound themselves to protect who they think they are. Their kingdom typically consists of feelings, their needs, their time. They even will limit their time with those whom they purport to care for. They are often impatient and want to get their partner's problems over with quickly so that the partner can once again resume their pleasures and activities. The notice of sacrifice for the other is absent and so are the notions of tolerance, patience and humility.
The game individuals like this play is very one sided. I make the rules, I decide when and how to play and it is all about me. I can't handle opposition. They never admit they may have a hand in the problem because they were led, wrongly to believe that their feelings are correct.
This is a problem I see in many people who have gone through, what I term pop psychology. They may have gone to. a therapist who believing they are helping do nothing more than to validate what is clearly bad behaviour. Armed with catch phrases like inner child, or self validation and even more ludicrous 'listening to the universe' there people are ill equipped to enter into any meaningful relationships simply because they are never wrong.
They do not believe in labels such as bad. It is all about how they feel. Do they feel good? Do they feel bad then shame on me for 'making them feel that way'
On the other hand I have seen that the victims of this abuse were never listened to as children. They were told simply to obey and not to question and their opinions were not heard. In an abusive relationship they sometimes need to ask permission to express their opinion, only to be timed and to be dismissed once again. In short the victims of this childhood trauma of not being allowed to express their opinion or to dare challenge the abuser..relive the trauma in their relationships. It is very painful for me as a therapist to watch.
The workplace
Moving outside of 'couples counselling' I see this behaviour also in workplaces. The workplace narcissists when confronted with shoddy work, will lapse into tears, call you mean and then tell you they have 'mental health problems'. Or they will tell you, that you need to work on your tone, or your attitude. In short since they cannot apologize, the blame is always shifted onto someone else.
Sympathy does not work with these individuals who have learned to use their feigned feelings of being offended to control others.
When truly confronted with their bad behaviour at work, they can deflect this and turn your comments into a personal attack. You are either insensitive, racist, sexist, anti abortion, out of touch or any host of current attacks that while meaningless, the attacker hopes to score. I liken this to throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it sticks. If it does, it is cooked!'These attackers throw anything at you and look around to see if somehow they hit the mark, or a target however small.
How to protect yourself
Whether it is at work or in a relationship, it is important to know how to protect yourself. The first thing to know is people who are true narcissists do not care about you. They are only capable to caring and loving themselves. The world must adapt to their schedule and that means you as well. They are very good at speaking about themselves but do not listen to you. They almost belittle your accomplishments with phrases such as 'thats nice' before moving on to their inflated self and grandiose understanding.
When you find yourself 1) Anxious to please the other person and eager to always placate
2) Giving up things you love to accommodate them
3) Apologizing for your offences but never hearing the other take responsibilty or apologize for any actions.
People in such relationships describe it as walking on eggshells. They are anxious to please but they know the slightest error will cause a torrent of anger or worse disappointment to be revealed.
The bad times with their partner or work colleague far outweights the good time but they feel it is their fault! As painful as it may seem, the only solution is to leave.
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